eudaimonikos | Deer Country IC Inbox

[Ah.

Michael has, of course, been thinking about Ange and her household. But he couldn't get back in the weird pocket dimension, and the ranks of folks from Old Deerington have grown pretty thin. He wasn't sure who he could send in after them, or even what they might be able to do. The whole thing left him feeling rather terrible: worried, angry at himself, and even angry at Ange herself. If she could have just quit being a jerk and listened to him for twenty seconds, instead of rubbing it in that he's on his own here now -

It is unreasonable. She was corrupted. It's petty to be mad at her for it. So he just isn't going to be.]

Makes sense. You were corrupted.

Yeah. Guess it excuses me being a dumbass.

[ If not just because she plainly couldn't see past any of it. She can remember the memories of it all clearly, but it feels harder to remember what she thought back then - as if the rational part of her brain had been entirely shut down, leaving just the emotional part of it and the mess that was the corruption.

Not that Ange is here to absolve herself. It's been a while since she turned back to normal, but she still hasn't really made peace with it all, after all. So-- ]

Doesn't excuse me being an asshole though. Especially not to someone I care about.

[Michael lets out an (obviously inaudible) huff. He is being a baby!]

Right. Well, it happens.
How are things now? Better?

The corruption is completely gone. [ At least that's a very factual answer she can use here.

It's also less messy than anything else. That might be why there's a pause, like Ange is debating to herself whether to even write on or not.

In the end she does. ]

I just still feel shitty.

[ In a way that has nothing to do with corruption, or even just anything physical in the first place. It's all just emotional. ]

Makes sense.

[Is that slightly petty? Michael grumbles to himself and types out a proper response.]

I felt shitty for ages, after I went beast. And I don't really remember most of that clearly. I wasn't particularly coherent.

[ Don't worry, Michael. There's absolutely no judgement over pettiness here, given that Ange does feel like she deserves it.

And even then, she can't fully see the pettiness in his words in the first place. Maybe it's since she's used to so much worse. ]

How did you start feeling better again? [ She instead asks. ]

Oh, you know.
Don't think about it long enough and eventually it stops coming to mind.

[It's possible he's not someone to ask about coping mechanisms.]

[ ...

Michael. ]

I think most people wouldn't exactly call that healthy.

[ It's hard to read tone into that, considering it's text, but she doesn't mean it as a callout.

If anything, it comes from a much more concerned place than that. ]

Talk to someone about it, then?

[It's not like he doesn't KNOW that's the superior option! But that isn't what you asked him!]

[ At least she can kind of get why he didn't go for that option first, considering.. you know, pot, kettle and all that. Ange is just as bad at this stuff. ]

I guess that's better.

Even though it's a little hard when basically all my friends were caught up in that mess. [ Even her wife.

If only Trench had therapists, right. ]

Makes sense. I just killed a bunch of random people.

[They were specifically trying to kill Vyng, which was what made Michael snap in the first place...but he still feels kinda bad about it. He's supposed to be past that kind of thing.

Should he...offer? He was caught up in it, but only really briefly. Can he be objective? Oh, he should at least offer.]

If you want to talk to me, that's fine.

[ ..

It's a little tempting to tell him that he's included in that category, but.. it's not like Michael knows. Ange has a whole lot of friends who can be a bit of an idiot sometimes, but Michael isn't like that.

Not when it comes to this, at least, she likes to think.

So she holds back from even writing it, let alone sending it. Instead the girl chews on her lip as she thinks. ]

I don't know. Are you sure it wouldn't be awkward for you?

Maybe, but it's worth a shot.

[If it goes sideways, a text conversation is a lot easier to dip out of than a real conversation.]

I don't know.

I guess I just feel like an idiot because I thought I had been so careful all this time about checking myself for symptoms of corruption, but then when it actually happened I totally missed it.

It's mostly a mental thing. That makes it hard to catch on yourself.

[Though he does try and look for his own physical symptoms, too.]

I thought I'd be able to realise it in time if I suddenly started thinking outrageous things though.

Guess I was wrong about that.

[ Because even when people - including Michael himself! - told her different back then, she still couldn't see how anything she was thinking was wrong in the slightest, finding ways to justify it somehow.

She can only see it for what it is now. ]

Gotta be on yourself all the time, I guess. Self-reflecting or whatever.
Though that seems like it could be a painful way to live.

[ She won't argue with him on that last one. It's not like it's always been easy to be so self-aware in the first place, and then it failed her when she most needed it anyway. ]

Then what do we do?

Just accept the risk that any of us could turn into giant monsters at any point?

[ No offense towards your true form, Michael. She doesn't think that's a monster, okay, hence why she's putting it like this in the first place. ]

I think it's still worth it to try and check yourself. I've been doing that for ages. Not just because of this.

[You know. Torture demon stuff.]

But we probably have to keep an eye on each other either.
I'm not sure there is a perfect system. Sometimes people just explode straight into beasts out of nowhere.

It just sucks.

[ It's more pessimistic than Ange has been in a while, but-- well, can you really blame her, when she was just confronted with the worst possible scenario? When she still can't really move past it, get over it? ]

I'll make sure to be more careful though. I don't know if it'll help.

I just don't want to do that to anyone again. I don't want to do it to you again either.

It's fine.

It wasn't fun, but I'm really not the one who got the worst of any of that.

[Michael's never been one to hold grudges long. Now that she's apologized, he'll get over it.]

Even if it was just an annoyance, I'd still want to keep you from having to repeat that.

[ And it might have been more than that. Ange doesn't have a clue about Michael's feelings, but she's dealt with friends while they were corrupted - or worst, an outright Beast - before.

'It wasn't fun' is a good summary of her own experience. ]

Tell me if you ever see just a slight possible sign of it on me. I'm going to see someone for it right away next time.

[ So she can hopefully catch it before it horribly spirals out of control again. That's the plan.

It's the only thing she can do, right? ]

["Well, let's not be overzealous."

He deletes it without sending. Michael's not sure how Ange feels. He doesn't want her to think that was all just nothing to him...but it seems worse, he decides, to guilt her more.]

Yeah, of course.
Mine is...well, it's happened a couple different ways for me, which is very irritating.
But if I get really weird and energetic, or all reclusive, probably a bad sign.

Can it really behave in such opposite ways for you?

[ Not that she's doubting Michael's word - not during such an important conversation, anyway.

It's just a little surprising, and more than that just plain concerning. It's one thing to look out for one type of behaviour, but it seems like it can truly just manifest as anything as long as it's out of the norm, huh. ]

I guess?
The only time I turned into a beast was when I shut myself in my house and didn't talk to anyone for like two weeks.
The mania, I just grew horns, and then eventually I chilled out.

[The beast form didn't even have horns, so ???]

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